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8th Jan, 2014

saving graces

I wake
adorned with the crown of daylight
your eyes hold the luster of a child in play
the innocence of life being created and taken surrounds me and I am filled to breaking point
I spill over when the sun finishes its journey over the red and gold edges of mountains and into the embrace of the ocean.
My chest thunders and hums from all these beautiful things and I am void of longing, void of all that hurt me and filled with and emotion so vast that my eyes begin to glass over and I can no longer spy your gaze.
The frown you are trying to hide.

I want to tell you not to worry for I have never felt so utterly complete without the need for anyone or anything
Instead I smile through silent tears and nod my head for you to see the beauty in all which surrounds us.

I think I know what faith is now
as my heart races and my chest swells
I believe now

19th Feb, 2013

I could be good

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2nd Aug, 2012

lucid dreaming

I have been having a kaleidoscopic lucid dream experience…I think it might be the full moon, or at least I hope so.

oooh imaginationCollapse )

Needless to say having half a week filled with freaky lucid dreams…it makes you feel a little off in the head. Hopefully tonight I will get a happy one! Please? I can even handle the field with ginger kittens one again okay? I mean I’m going to go watch Lark tomorrow night…I will get my dose of freaky while awake then…no need to force feed me strangeness in my sleep.

16th Jul, 2012

you know it

The difference between being equipped and knowing you are is rather far apart. I thought I was equipped and rightfully so; I have been in scraps with guys twice my size. I did not however think that I would ever have to use those skills again. Then life throws you a curveball and somehow you’ve got to hit it or you will miss everything else.

I have tried for five years to make a relationship work.

Five years of my life I can never have back and five years where I have learned so much that I can’t even name all of it. I know three things for a fact however:

some truthsCollapse )

So there you have it. I’m keeping these little notes in the back of my mind. Sure I just went through a month of hell, crying myself to sleep and going to the gym more than usual. I can’t mope physically when I feel down; it just creates a whole mess of depression. So I rather get angry and work out. Wear my body down until I’m too tired to think about how I should have loved her differently. But in all honesty there were way too much negative elements in the relationship to begin with. Yes, I do still love her, I get that, but I’m not dependent on seeing or hearing from her. I enjoy hanging out with her, but I don’t need her around all the time. She is essentially a friend. A friend I started dating and now that I have been broken down once again I refuse to do what people tell me to. I will go visit if I FEEL like it. I will be there for you yes, but if you tell me at 10pm on a Monday night to come out for a coffee, you should know better. I will not be confined again. I’m sick of the restrictions I placed on myself. I want to be selfish and love my life too. And it is about bloody time I think.

So that’s how this all ties up with the first couple of lines I started out with. I went out to beaulah bar with an optimistic, nervous and slightly confused mixture of feelings. I didn’t know what to expect because for the last two years I was cut off from the world. I lived a life where I went to work and back home to a girl and I’m not especially social to be begin with, which suited her structural world just fine. And now that I do not have anyone to go home to…I sort of freaked out a little. Panic set in; what to wear, does my hair look okay? I don’t smell funny do I? Do my socks match? (that one is always a big check on my list…seem to grab odd pairs way too often) And then when I got there it was like I haven’t really left. A few familiar faces and a bit of catching up was done. I learned that people actually thought I was out of the country again, but that there was a shock when they discovered I had not gone anywhere but a small town. Naturally I bumped into a few faces I wish I had not seen, but that is pretty average on a night out.

And then I realized that I’m starting to form part of the late 20something crowd. I mean I am almost leaving that phase and it was insane to see how many new faces were lining up at the bar. It was rather hilarious to see how awkward all these baby dykes are. I mean I know that I was also in that frame of mind, thinking I knew everyone and everything, but oh my word it is something else entirely when you are an observer to the madness. And a sober one at that – yes I did not have a single drop of alcohol in my system. And I had fun. Used some poppers though just to take the edge off the drunk people around me. Got my one darling gay boy friend a hook up and while I was walking around checking out the scene I realized something…there is no wholesome lesbian left wandering around here in winter. Yes. It was a sad revelation. They have all gone somewhere else, be that chilling at home to avoid the cold or just avoiding going out in general. I forgot how much “our” kind love to hibernate. Tsk tsk

So after setting up this boy with a stunning little multi-racial man and they were hooking up a storm I decided to retire to the car and smoke a cigarette. Which turned out to be a rather dodgy idea. Now if you are street smart you will know that often there are African men who push drugs outside bars. Often they are foreign and avoid being too obvious. This twat who approached me was not the brightest of the bunch. First off he told me what he sells. And then he kept following me. Commenting on my shoes and how I dress (which mind you didn’t look to shabby – even got miss mission who is pretty sour most of the time to give me a compliment) and then proceeded to try and mug me. I say try cause this is how it went down. He put his left foot next to my right, tried to draw my attention away from my jeans pocket and took my phone and drivers. Now he might have thought that I was drunk or did not have any sensation in my leg, but I actually smiled. He got the fright of his life when he tried to pull away and I yanked him so hard his chest sloped over. I remember swearing at him that he should give my fucking phone and drivers back and that he must think I’m fucking stupid not to notice. I’ve never seen a man give back stolen goods that fast. For extra measure I shoved him into the tarmac and told him to go fuck himself and that there are police officers around the corner if he wants to try that again. He fled. I grunted and walked off. I was so pissed off I even shouted at the car attendant. So all in all he got messed up by a little white girl, dead sober at two in the morning.

Hence I feel now more than ever that I am grateful for having lived the life I have. It might have been rougher than I would have liked, but it saved my life that morning.

23rd Apr, 2012

check yourself

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2nd Feb, 2011

times are a-changing

It has been two years of going around in circles and seven months of actually being.


I am aware of this. I am acutely aware that I have bound myself to a singular person for seven whole months with not so much as one teeny weensy little slip up. It scares and excites me all at once. Hope is and always has been such a pathetic emotion in my eyes. For survival has meaning, a common goal to work to and for, but hope only a chance outcome.


You accept me and that in itself frightens me sometimes when I sit on the couch and watch you read a book across the way from me. You will look up after a few seconds, cobalt blue burning across my skin, into my soul and keeping me captivated as you smile and take a drag of your cigarette. Sometime you will silently lean forward, place your hand on the couch next to or between my legs to support you and kiss me softly. I will stutter and grin back thanking the gods I do not have the ability to blush instantaneously. However my mind will wander and tread roads of why you are with me. You answer me plainly I enjoy your company and because of that I had fallen in love with you. It was not planned, but one day after not seeing you for a year I could not stop thinking about you and I knew that I had to try at the very least to ask you out. I did not expect to or set out to make you mine when I first met you, but we both have changed a considerable amount in two years.


Practical yet not. Perhaps I ponder this is why I do care for her. We are both restless in different ways and yet we have the same perversions (and no, I am not talking sexuality here). I nod to myself and think that it should make sense then that this relationship has lasted longer than any other has in nearly eight years. I smile and take a sip of my tea. You notice this, like you notice a lot of other small things. That strong husky tone of voice piercing through my thoughts once more.


“Figure something out?”


Your head cocks to the side and you look at me intently a slightly amused expression on your pale face. I still wish I knew how you figures these things out, but I do know that my face is quite expressive and perhaps then this is the key.


“Yep. I realized that if I don’t go to bed now, it may just be too late an evening for a little…you know…”


You laugh at this and I wiggle my eyebrows, making light of the situation, but you know I’m only avoiding fully exposing myself. It has gotten better and I do talk. You pat me on the thigh as I start towards the bedroom and tell me you will turn in a bit later, still one essay to finish.

"Bloody psychology is too much paperwork." I tell you with a silly grin. I do not look back as I hear you snort and I know you are shaking your head with a smirk on your face.
All that matters at present is that I am in the process of considering moving in and you know what? It is not all as scary as it seems.

18th Sep, 2010

(no subject)

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7th Sep, 2010

butterflies ftw?!

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24th May, 2010

you've got the love

It has been a while has it not?

I have been busy to the point where adult life and my ever childish ADD has made me go “kitty go bonkers with string” in so many ways. ^^

I am busy working on thingies for the soccer world cup and living my life for myself after dealing with my what? I think twelve years worth of emotional baggage. For the first time I can interact with people in an honest open way. I can be myself and not feel like I have shortcomings which could ruin my image (so to speak).

And…I’m blissfully single for a change! Blissful I tell you lol hard to imagine hey? I’m not messing around, not falling into fucking the pain away and not taking dodgy people on as playthings. I’m keeping my friends up to date with my life and waving goodbye and good luck to my exes. I do have one person in my life who is closer to me than a family member or lover ever could be. And I adore her for it. She showed me how to open myself emotionally and honestly, no bullshit or sloppy tactics.

Other than that I was so bored one Sunday morning after going on a breakfast run that I did this 
www.animalinyou.com/profile.php laughed for about an hour at myself! Interesting though how accurate most of it is lol

I need to see me throughCollapse )

I’m writing my memories out. It’s pretty intense and such a wonderful stress reliever. Also nearly finished with that EPIC long yoruichi/soi fong story I have on FFN.


23 days to go until soccer starts! I can’t wait for the opening match!!!!

15th Oct, 2009

such flattery

Today, when I looked into the mirror, I mean really looked into that sharp reflection of what I embody I realized that there is so much I can deal with. Obsession, violations, betrayal, anger, greed…lust oh and more lust.


I was made from lust. I was conceived like a cheap wind up movie, in the back seat of a Ford Capri…in the drive in. My parents were newlywed and a bit less concerned about the quality of the film than the quality time they could spend together. It made me wonder; are we propelled into that first impression? I mean, do we actually remember what emotion created us? And is that the reason we try so hard to avoid the damn thing all the time? Oh I don’t know, but I’m pretty sure it is a huge contribution to that.


I was standing, staring at a high school girl of all things today, wondering why I was such an asshole at that age. What made me think I am the shit…besides the fact that I was built for ironing clothing on (so sad it’s not as smexy anymore age does matter for self esteem haha). I like my voice now, it sounds more confident, not cocky. My face hasn’t changed much, besides getting more defined…but besides the obvious changes in demeanor there is something I just can’t place. I’ll get it eventually like a giant anticlimax it will hit me in the face and I’ll berate myself for it in years to come.


Working on two stories at present, such a good stress relief! Other than that I have been seeing more live bands than I ever remember seeing, which is lovely in itself J oh and I have a semi stable relationship going, which is also just as lovely xD things are looking up at the moment and I hope they do for others too.

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