the hand that feeds

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I am dumbfounded. I had been misdiagnosed for the past oh what…ten years?! I don’t have insomnia, I have some sort of deviation of night terrors. Kids have night terrors man! Don’t bullshit me!

Its slightly discerning when the side effects are irritation, aggressive behavior and just plain stupidity. Although there is one good thing that came from this exercise: If you know your body, just trust it…don’t get medication that doctors force you to use because you WILL zonk out.

Such a bunch of twats sometimes.

Today, when I looked into the mirror, I mean really looked into that sharp reflection of what I embody I realized that there is so much I can deal with. Obsession, violations, betrayal, anger, greed…lust oh and more lust.

 

I was made from lust. I was conceived like a cheap wind up movie, in the back seat of a Ford Capri…in the drive in. My parents were newlywed and a bit less concerned about the quality of the film than the quality time they could spend together. It made me wonder; are we propelled into that first impression? I mean, do we actually remember what emotion created us? And is that the reason we try so hard to avoid the damn thing all the time? Oh I don’t know, but I’m pretty sure it is a huge contribution to that.

 

I was standing, staring at a high school girl of all things today, wondering why I was such an asshole at that age. What made me think I am the shit…besides the fact that I was built for ironing clothing on (so sad it’s not as smexy anymore age does matter for self esteem haha). I like my voice now, it sounds more confident, not cocky. My face hasn’t changed much, besides getting more defined…but besides the obvious changes in demeanor there is something I just can’t place. I’ll get it eventually like a giant anticlimax it will hit me in the face and I’ll berate myself for it in years to come.

 

Working on two stories at present, such a good stress relief! Other than that I have been seeing more live bands than I ever remember seeing, which is lovely in itself J oh and I have a semi stable relationship going, which is also just as lovely xD things are looking up at the moment and I hope they do for others too.

Ah yes, it has been quite some time…

 

I could go flying off the handle and tell you as to why I took so long to as much as touch the internet button on my pc again for an update, but I was too busy taking care of a schizophrenic girl. Who I do not for the record have a relationship with despite what people think or said about it.

 

I tried something different this year and it seems to work though my lack of sleep in between trying not to think of things in a negative way has been tiring. I still have a good sense of crazy to deal with in myself, but at least I didn’t need medication or isolation from society to do that. In fact I just got rid of a few bad habits (and people) and now, well let’s just say I’m so relaxed that if I get any deeper into that state I will be asleep.

 

I’m moving and missing my family and working myself into a soft mushy substance. I know that there is a term for people like me who when they feel emotion it just dies when spoken, but that will not hamper the knowledge that there are others like me out there. Like my ex whom I have been friends with for nearly 10 years. Lol gods the time goes by too fast. I will post some writings soon, been busy in that department.

 

Methinks a good hike up the mountain in the moonlight sounds like fun.

                                                             *Arachibutyrophobia

New York, New York oh how dirty and pretty and deliciously sinful you are. I could get high on the energy the place has; so rich and yet, depravity is everywhere you turn. It is in the beggar outside your hotel, outside the prestigious restaurant your colleague takes you to for breakfast. Hookers, dealers, pimps…they are your neighbors, your fellow line queuing person. Nothing seems sacred, not even the gift of sight.

 

After touch down I felt a bit queasy; I could not sit still on the plane and the option of “comfort” which is offered for a longer than 10 hours flight is laughable. Hence I stuck to the original plan – drink to feel better. It worked until I realized I had to sleep because we would be going to a conference and I’d have to stay at my colleague’s and make a semi decent impression on my boss and all that jazz y’know? Oh and if you ever wish to fly that distance, remember that jet lag pills are given to you to take after you get to the hotel, not before you go to work.

 

I met some really awesome people (who all think I’m Irish?), got checked out like I’m on sale and ate the best damn buffet ever. I could write more about how I nearly got thrown in jail for not putting both my hands on the steering wheel when the cop pulled me over, or how my “room mate” will not remember how she got that bruise (drinking with me can be hazardous – knocking furniture over will hurt you), but since I’m going back in December, I’m not fussed. It was and will be one on the most amazing places I’ve seen (albeit such a short stop) and I can’t wait to go back. Which reminds me, since it should be winter at that stage; I already found the perfect spot for a snowman hehe

 

so valentines came and went and Danny spilled coffee on my shoe (out of nervousness), but it's all good. I mean we're friends before anything else and she is just too adorable to not like. We might even go fishing together next weekend (when I have my new car - yay!) - something I haven't done in quite a while...hopefully I won't get a hook in myself, maybe I should just wait until she threw her line into the ocean before I go anywhere near her ^w^

Been getting along with my dad lately and it's a good thing; we are pretty similar actually, in thought and such and stubbornness too I guess. It just feels a little strange getting to know him now that I'm in my early twenties you know? Having him come up to me and talk about my life and me asking him with actual interest about his. It makes me a bit teary, all in a good way of course. Life's too short for bitterness...or luck.

I'm just happy and placid and it's a lazy Saturday afternoon...oh and I laughed myself silly when I went to watch "the Jane Austen book club", pretty good adaptation of the book, such dry humor hehe 

other than that, I'm going camping on the 7th of March. Some old high school buddies decided to organise a get together over a weekend, it is going to be fun :D

Writing poetry in my mother tongue is somewhat…liberating. I can cope with things I’ve been shoving aside and filling with endless hours of work and sex and video…machines…or something like that. I’ve been around for a while, on the other side of the fence I mean and you know? For the first time in what seems like bloody forever I can lean back, run my fingers through my messy hair and sigh with relief.

 

I’ve made it this far and the road ahead might make me insanely happy or even cause unbearable misery, but I think, yeah I know, I can handle it. Somehow.

 

Also, drinking while tired and without much of a lining in your stomach can cause you to lock your keys in your car when buying coffee at your local 24 hour store. *nods* Oh speaking of oddities, I’m going with J (who is very straight despite his mannerisms and such) to Beaulah bar and also on that random note, see the picture for some real oddness here – those darn Catholics are everywhere I tell you, even at the gay bars! *o*

 

I’m going to pass out, need to get up for one more day of 8am – 4pm then I can go crazy and enjoy some partying~ weee!