the hand that feeds

mood: creative

music: patrick wolf - the libertine

Today, when I looked into the mirror, I mean really looked into that sharp reflection of what I embody I realized that there is so much I can deal with. Obsession, violations, betrayal, anger, greed…lust oh and more lust.

I was made from lust. I was conceived like a cheap wind up movie, in the back seat of a Ford Capri…in the drive in. My parents were newlywed and a bit less concerned about the quality of the film than the quality time they could spend together. It made me wonder; are we propelled into that first impression? I mean, do we actually remember what emotion created us? And is that the reason we try so hard to avoid the damn thing all the time? Oh I don’t know, but I’m pretty sure it is a huge contribution to that.

I was standing, staring at a high school girl of all things today, wondering why I was such an asshole at that age. What made me think I am the shit…besides the fact that I was built for ironing clothing on (so sad it’s not as smexy anymore age does matter for self esteem haha). I like my voice now, it sounds more confident, not cocky. My face hasn’t changed much, besides getting more defined…but besides the obvious changes in demeanor there is something I just can’t place. I’ll get it eventually like a giant anticlimax it will hit me in the face and I’ll berate myself for it in years to come.

Working on two stories at present, such a good stress relief! Other than that I have been seeing more live bands than I ever remember seeing, which is lovely in itself J oh and I have a semi stable relationship going, which is also just as lovely xD things are looking up at the moment and I hope they do for others too.

mood: mellow

music: placebo - running up that hill

Ah yes, it has been quite some time…

I could go flying off the handle and tell you as to why I took so long to as much as touch the internet button on my pc again for an update, but I was too busy taking care of a schizophrenic girl. Who I do not for the record have a relationship with despite what people think or said about it.

I tried something different this year and it seems to work though my lack of sleep in between trying not to think of things in a negative way has been tiring. I still have a good sense of crazy to deal with in myself, but at least I didn’t need medication or isolation from society to do that. In fact I just got rid of a few bad habits (and people) and now, well let’s just say I’m so relaxed that if I get any deeper into that state I will be asleep.

I’m moving and missing my family and working myself into a soft mushy substance. I know that there is a term for people like me who when they feel emotion it just dies when spoken, but that will not hamper the knowledge that there are others like me out there. Like my ex whom I have been friends with for nearly 10 years. Lol gods the time goes by too fast. I will post some writings soon, been busy in that department.

Methinks a good hike up the mountain in the moonlight sounds like fun.

mood: sleepy

music: J - closure

                                                             *Arachibutyrophobia

New York, New York oh how dirty and pretty and deliciously sinful you are. I could get high on the energy the place has; so rich and yet, depravity is everywhere you turn. It is in the beggar outside your hotel, outside the prestigious restaurant your colleague takes you to for breakfast. Hookers, dealers, pimps…they are your neighbors, your fellow line queuing person. Nothing seems sacred, not even the gift of sight.

After touch down I felt a bit queasy; I could not sit still on the plane and the option of “comfort” which is offered for a longer than 10 hours flight is laughable. Hence I stuck to the original plan – drink to feel better. It worked until I realized I had to sleep because we would be going to a conference and I’d have to stay at my colleague’s and make a semi decent impression on my boss and all that jazz y’know? Oh and if you ever wish to fly that distance, remember that jet lag pills are given to you to take after you get to the hotel, not before you go to work.

I met some really awesome people (who all think I’m Irish?), got checked out like I’m on sale and ate the best damn buffet ever. I could write more about how I nearly got thrown in jail for not putting both my hands on the steering wheel when the cop pulled me over, or how my “room mate” will not remember how she got that bruise (drinking with me can be hazardous – knocking furniture over will hurt you), but since I’m going back in December, I’m not fussed. It was and will be one on the most amazing places I’ve seen (albeit such a short stop) and I can’t wait to go back. Which reminds me, since it should be winter at that stage; I already found the perfect spot for a snowman hehe

mood: relaxed

music: ida corr - let me think about it

so valentines came and went and Danny spilled coffee on my shoe (out of nervousness), but it's all good. I mean we're friends before anything else and she is just too adorable to not like. We might even go fishing together next weekend (when I have my new car - yay!) - something I haven't done in quite a while...hopefully I won't get a hook in myself, maybe I should just wait until she threw her line into the ocean before I go anywhere near her ^w^

Been getting along with my dad lately and it's a good thing; we are pretty similar actually, in thought and such and stubbornness too I guess. It just feels a little strange getting to know him now that I'm in my early twenties you know? Having him come up to me and talk about my life and me asking him with actual interest about his. It makes me a bit teary, all in a good way of course. Life's too short for bitterness...or luck.

I'm just happy and placid and it's a lazy Saturday afternoon...oh and I laughed myself silly when I went to watch "the Jane Austen book club", pretty good adaptation of the book, such dry humor hehe 

other than that, I'm going camping on the 7th of March. Some old high school buddies decided to organise a get together over a weekend, it is going to be fun :D

mood: amused

music: massive attack - inertia creeps

Writing poetry in my mother tongue is somewhat…liberating. I can cope with things I’ve been shoving aside and filling with endless hours of work and sex and video…machines…or something like that. I’ve been around for a while, on the other side of the fence I mean and you know? For the first time in what seems like bloody forever I can lean back, run my fingers through my messy hair and sigh with relief.

I’ve made it this far and the road ahead might make me insanely happy or even cause unbearable misery, but I think, yeah I know, I can handle it. Somehow.

Also, drinking while tired and without much of a lining in your stomach can cause you to lock your keys in your car when buying coffee at your local 24 hour store. *nods* Oh speaking of oddities, I’m going with J (who is very straight despite his mannerisms and such) to Beaulah bar and also on that random note, see the picture for some real oddness here – those darn Catholics are everywhere I tell you, even at the gay bars! *o*

I’m going to pass out, need to get up for one more day of 8am – 4pm then I can go crazy and enjoy some partying~ weee!

mood: content

music: shiny toy guns - shaken

“Here pussy, pussy”

Now, if you know the person calling you, you might laugh and purr or do something equally silly to entertain them. NOTE: if you have a innocent little crush on some really buff butch bar lady and she tries to get your attention this way – do not panic and spill your drink…not that I did…I just kinda stared at her and let her scratch me behind one ear (and oh my god did I purr erm I mean stir…or something O_O)

She’s really not the kind of girl or woman I’d normally go for, but gods, her presence is enough to make my ovaries do the can-can o///o Yeah, sure I have a slight thing for protruding veins on forearms and chunky muscle here and there (especially back and shoulders), but when it all comes together so neatly *sigh* I don’t know…restraint is not my best feature you know. I’m so grateful for P being there, he distracts me and dancing is hella fun with him around. Especially when the girls around us get a little jealous at his arms around my neck and such things, it’s ridiculously cute. Five hours goes pretty fast when you move around like a manic mind you…it might also be the fact that I started doing weights again, stamina is way beyond normal now. Or, for the lack of being scientific and just plain happy – it could just be the that it’s summer xDD

Ant got me “awakening the virgin” by Nicole Foster for Christmas, I only got it three days ago though, because of travelling and me being out almost every night like a lunatic. The only problem I have with the book is lack of the “c” word. I mean, for goodness sake, it’s suppose to be a collection of erotic short stories and only one of them actually uses it! My late gran’s Mill’s & Boon novels had more imaginative scenario’s and language, bloody hell =_= Truth is stranger than fiction my ass – what a bunch of boring dykes. Where is the hunter and the hunted the thrill of seducing them until they beg you for more? I was pretty disappointed at the lack of that; maybe my inner pirate was hoping for some hidden treasure to be unearthed suddenly.

Speaking of pirates, I have to transport one all the way across town in two days…wish me luck, she’s a handful, ever since her bike broke down the manic behaviour has surfaced again. Odd how every manic, or more nicely put bipolar (yeah, even little old me) I meet has a state of being that nullifies all negativity; riding a motorcycle, hiking, swimming, wearing leather pants, dancing naked...whatever works. 

This is going to be a good year – I can smell it =3

mood: lazy

music: Monoral - kiri

I started watching airmaster, slipping in an episode after breakfast and somehow, I got stuck. I mean, okay, so the artwork is not fantastic, neither are the voice actors. The fact that Maki kicks ass is well, what makes you sit down and take note of this anime. Besides, I needed something slightly less intense than Ergo Proxy to balance things out and since I’m missing the bleach episodes from this week (thank you very much) it didn’t hurt having another good distraction while frying in the morning heat.

Speaking of, kendo was strenuous on Saturday, nearly puked on the oh-so-beautifully-polished floor, seems the sensei has other ideas to training than most would like to believe. This method is also known as “you will fucking do as I say or bokkan meets back ‘o your head”. Me and S were exhausted and on the ride back home, yeah, lets just say I’m glad his car has aircon, smelly monkeys indeediness u_u;

Spent the rest of the afternoon chilling out with fates_angel and playing pizza delivery girl for my folks (while listening to peaches in the car – people’s reaction to “fuck or kill” is always amusing). Oh and met up with some girls from high school, gods it makes you feel old when you look back, even though it hasn’t been that long ago. Didn’t get drunk *insert surprised face here* and behaved myself for the most part, only letting a few oh so very subtle sexual slurs slip. Was a good night in the end.

Oh and totally off topic, but I dreamt of living in a cave with a machete – one side of the cave covered in rainfall (on the outside) and the other side, which could be reached after quite a long succession of little passageways, covered in nothing but scorched earth. A happy dream none the less, for I felt strangely calm in the setting; no paranoia or monsters, only peacefulness.

Ah, I think I need to get some new board shorts too…the pattern on this one makes me slightly creeped out @_@

mood: placid

music: guano apes - anne claire

"so maybe someday we will meet 
and maybe talk and not just speak
don't buy the promises 
there are no promises i keep
my reflection troubles me so here i go" James Blunt - same mistake

                      ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I got a promotion, apparently my manager suddenly decided to appoint me photographer as well, even though we have someone slightly more qualified for such things - and she doesn't mind, too scared i tell you, too scared of the dreaded overtime workage. It's cash and it affords me a lifestyle i am use to by now, so i'm doing the smile and wave until next year lol Pity though, he's a good guy, but a crap manager, I'll miss his perfectly circular head and beady eyes when i go.

this made me laugh today, amongst other silly emails and such.

i'm writing a little ditty for a contest, since i'm not happy with the one i have already written (why yes, typical eh?) but i'm enjoying every moment of it; researching serial killers, their methods, their motives and the scale of their psychosis. Possible reasons as to why one would not be able to switch off the violent outbursts and such - i am starting to love my character very much, maybe too much...hmm. It is just so primal, so deliciously violent and raw and it makes my toes curl when i read or write about it, just like the constant shouting match i have with some people. Husky voiced women are the shit, I'm sorry, but seriously now...I'm allowed to be a perv again since i'm taking this single thing through for as long as i can, no baggage needed thank you very much - line forms to the left and all that. I'm gonna get my focus back where it belongs - having fun while learning, without damaging myself in the process. I need to stop a landslide with the piece of paper i was given...I need to be silly just because i am.


So yes, oh before I go smoke these god-awful cigarettes i bought (difficult to find a "rare" brand late at night without paying through your nose for it), I need some inspiration and i'm so stealing this from youairbombs i would LOVE it if you could do this: post anon (ip is off) and tell me a secret, if not...i dunno, rant! 

EDIT : could only fix my errrr after fixing my server...gotta love technology .______.

location: between paper and an empty coke bottle

mood: chipper

music: the dandy warhols - bohemian like you

I have been inking the same sketch for the fourth time now...imagine my amusement when I realise I have been using the wrong liner all this time. *sigh* it's all good, I’ll just cut out the designs to make up awkwardly positioned body parts and create coasters or something - been dying to play with some resin for a while now. Speaking of dying - that might become a possibility for my room if I don't do some cleaning this weekend .____.

Kinda random, but I met a hermaphrodite who I'm hoping to do an article / write-up of for the GLBT...here's hoping she's willing to do so. Oh! And even more random...I’m hopelessly addicted to April & May from clone manga. Don't ever blame me if you develop a T42R addiction - I will deny ever mentioning that forsaken comic's name...

Other than that, a little bit of solitude seems to be paying off better than I thought it would. ^^

location: carrying blankets around

mood: awake

music: peaches - stuff me up

ah i just got home from a yet another LUSH event - even if i only left at 1am...had a couple of drinks, got felt up by a stranger and will now, in my slightly drunken state, try to rearrange the two bodies who could not make their journey home. Funny how your friends and ex lovers just become your family when you all had too much to drink and can’t stand straight anymore. *sigh*

I'm seeing O (the cello girl) a bit later on, thinking of taking her to watch shortbus, but the more i read the review the more worried i become - i'm sure i'd like the film, but isn't it a bit risky for couply stuff? ah shit i don't know...she likes knifeplay, what will a domanatrix and a sexually confused artist do to her already warped perception of the older woman she's dating, poor girl…she has no idea what she’s getting herself into.